I just got my own internet connection at home, and a cell phone. But that's not the best news. My grandparents are flying me out to Las Vegas on December 1st and giving me their car! I'm getting a car! It's a Hyundai Elantra and it's only two years old. I am so excited. And I get to see my mom, and meet her new husband Adam and his two daughters. I haven't seen my mom in years, so like I said, I am so excited!

Let's see. Where to start. My job's hanging by a thread because I had to go home sick on Thursday, then I called in sick on Friday so I could go see the doctor. Turns out I have an upper respitory infection, so I'm on antibiotics for that, and that part is going well. However, when the nurse practitioner was asking me questions to find out if I was dehydrated, she found out how much water I've been drinking and immediately sent me to have my blood sugar checked. It should be under 200, mine was 340. Yikes! It turns out that I have type 2 diabetes. They have me on medicine and when I went to see the doctor she works with today to get my blood test results, he wants me to raise my dose in a week. But at least no insulin, no needles, and I should start feeling better, not being so worn out all the time.

However, when I went back to work on Sunday, I found out that a woman I used to work with, my friend Judy, died on Friday. I feel so bad for her poor ten year old daughter. Judy's husband has terminal cancer and was too sick to go to her funeral. I really didn't expect to hear about Judy. I will miss her so much. I have a memorial altar set up in my bedroom with the obituary. It helps.

In better news, I was accepted into the Sisterhood of Avalon. I am so excited. I can't wait for orientation to start.

Okay. So, my sister lost her job, spent about a month or two out of work, and has just recently found a new job. Part time, and a lot further away from the house then she told me it would be. And guess who was paying her bills while she was out of work. Yours truly, of course. Awesome. So then there's my dad, he's been working for the same cabinet shop for about 26 years. They lay him off. So now he only has part time work for the city, and a few under the table jobs for people. And he tells me he's going to need me to start giving him money. Awesome. I'm the only person in my house who works full time. No wonder I'm stressed.

In the middle of all of this headache, I start questioning my beliefs again, since I don't feel warm and upheld by the God of the Jews, as a matter of fact, I was starting to feel pretty ignored if not downright rebuffed. But I persevered. I told myself that I would hold out until Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And then I did a dumb thing. I asked for a sign if that is what I was meant to do. So between the two holidays, my car died. I ended up not only feeling neglected by Hashem, but almost hated or despised, which my sister thinks is going to far, but I cannot help the way I feel. I never felt that way when I followed the Goddess. So I have ceased to attend synagogue, and I will not be trying to change myself for anyone else. If they don't like what I believe or who I am, they can take a flying leap.

I am applying for entry with the Sisterhood of Avalon at the Samhain portal, I have begun to meditate again, and I have a small makeshift altar on my bookcase as I gave away everything even remotely mystical or magickal to make Angela happy. Which, for the record, she is not right now. But I am, or at least happier. Which brings me to the other night.

I decided to celebrate the full moon by walking hope from work. It was so amazingly uplifting. I don't remember the last time I felt such real joy. I could feel her presence, sense the power of the moon, and the sight was so beautiful it took my breath away. And I heard her voice, her commands in my head, and thus far I have done as the Goddess prompted me. I emptied out the pack of cigarettes with me, and gave the remaining ones I had at home to my dad. And I poured out the rest of the bottle of soda I had in the fridge. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give up all soda, or just try not to be so dependant on it. We'll see.

I feel tired and kind of run down, I think it's the whole first day without nicotine thing. And dear Goddess do my throat and lungs feel terrible. But hopefully that will improve as well, with time. It must be as She wills.

So I told Angela that I was thinking of getting a membership to one of the dating sites. Best way for me to find someone, right? And I told her about two of the profiles that I saw that caught my attention. Which she immediately shot down. I think she sounded jealous. And the way she'll touch me sometimes is a little more intimate then friends. I mean, not like going to bed intimate, but more then normal friends. I am so confused.

I have a problem. Normally I'd talk to Angela about it, but that's part of the problem. Her. You see, somewhere along the way I managed to go from a minor crush on my best friend, to being in love with her. And she thinks of me like her sister. She's said as much. And things like thank G-d that we're friends because if we tried to date we'd kill each other. Not so good for me. And of course she doesn't know. I can't say anything because it would ruin our friendship, and as I said before, she's my best friend.

But I'm so unhappy and lonley. And how am I supposed to move on if we spend all of our time together? How do you fall out of love with someone when your life is like that? And even some of my friends at work tell me we should try dating because they think we'd be cute togeter. Good together. Crap. Double crap.

And even when I do try the whole moving on idea, I can't really find anyone to date, and when I do occasionally (so far and few between I cringe to think of it) go on a date, she acts like she's jealous. The hell. I can't win. But I'm too afraid to really say anything. You know?

I could really use some big sister type advice, because I'm stumped. Andthere isn't really anyone else I can talk to about this. I feel so... Confused? Lost? Frustrated? I don't know. I just don't know.

But what I do know is that I want someone in my life. I want to go on dates, talk, cuddle. Have fun. Kiss. Do things that people who are dating do. Care about someone. Share things. Feel for someone without feeling guilty about it all the time. And someone who wants the same from me.

So Passover is over. Between work and doing everything for the holiday, I kind of overstretched myself. Again.

I'm trying to quit smoking again. Let's see how long this lasts, since Angela makes me feel pretty bad when I don't live up to her expectations sometimes.

I went through all of my stuff and gave everything wiccan, pagan, celtic, or druidic to this really nice lady that I work with. If I'm going to be serious and commit to one religion instead of bouncing back and forth like an idiot, I have to get rid of everything. And I sleep better when I'm being a good little Jewish girl. I feel healthy. And I think that's my hint.

I am really tired. I've just been really stressed and going going going all the time. I hope I can actually take some downtime today.

I hurt my shoulder at work, so I missed a few days. Healed it up, then hurt it again at the gym. Go me. I'm so high in points at work that if I'm even late for the next month, I lose my job. Awesome, huh?

I've been working on my writing. I have almost all of my outlines done. Now I'm panicing, because I'm going to actually have to write. Only me, right? Hopefully soon I'll be able to pick an outline, overachiever me, I only have like fifteen to choose from, and start cranking out some pretty dang awesome lesbian fiction. Wish me luck. I've been devoting seven hours a week, which doesn't sound like much, but when you're a bust little spaz like me, can be forever.

I've been making some pretty good progress on my knitting. I'm almost done with my second scarf, this one's for me. I did a vareigated scarf for Angela, in the colors she picked, and I'm doing a gryffendor colors scarf for me. Yes, I really am that much of a loser. But I'm getting pretty good at switching colors. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to make a hat, a pair of gauntlets or a sweater next. We'll see.

Anyways, have to go. Angela's ready to go. I'll write longer soon. Love you all.

Okay, so big groovy thing is that I finally got my very own cheap-ass laptop. Which means I can now use Wi-Fi places and get online much more often. You know, without having to wait on obnoxious, loud podlings who have no idea how much I want to throttle them. So I should be on LJ much more often. And sometimes even AIM. You know, if I could remember my own screen name. Guess who's getting a new one real real soon. ::Blush: Tee hee.

I'm working in the deli at Red X. Which is not the best job in the world, but it is not the rampaging evil spawn that is Sonic. And if I could ever stick to my budget (which, yes, I am actually trying to do for once) I might even be able to pay off my bills and get ahead for once. Oh, and you know, move out of my dad's house. I love him to death, but living with him is driving me crazy. He's incapable of doing his own dishes, and he turns the tv up so high that I can't even think. Crazy.

I stopped going to synagogue. Things just went really bad on Yom Kippur, and I was mostly only there for Angela anyway, which is not the best reason for keeping religious practices, and there were people in the synagogue, but they didn't unlock the doors, and services were supposed to be starting and we were still stuck outside. It was nuts. We ended up driving across town to a different synagogue, but we missed most of the services. I went the next day, but I just didn't feel it. I've gone back to wicca. It feels right. And come Beltane, I'm applying for membership in the Sisterhood of Avalon.

Before I devoted myself to Judaism, I tried to reach out to the Goddess for help. I felt like my world was falling down around me, and the only words I could seem to hear were "Do it yourself" which didn't seem like great advice just then. So I ran, and kept waiting for something to sweep into my life and magically fix everything for me. Which didn't happen. Obviously. It was like the more I tried to reach the divine the further away it got. It wasn't until I gave up on everything and started to fix my life myself that I felt anything again. It's like I'm coming back to life after a several year long hibernation. I can feel things again. And I can see glimpses of my path again. And it isn't being a good little Jew. It's being a witch, and a priestess, and learning to use magic again. I read some of the works of Zussanna Budapest, and while I don't agree with everything Dianic Wiccan, she said one thing over and over that makes a lot of sense. If you can't find it inside, you won't be able to find it outside. When I can't find the goddess within myself, I will never find the Goddess without. I'm slowly trying to become the person that I used to be, the one I actually liked, before I started changing to please all the users and abusers in my life. It makes me a lot happier.

I'm trying to move on, and not be dragged down by all the bad things that happened in my past. I tried the self-help book rounte, but most of those just want you to go over the things that happened ad infiniti. And I can't do that. It drives me crazy. I need to put the past in the past and move on. And in that vein, I found this really cool book called You Can Do It! A grown-up Girl's Merit Badge Handbook. I've been trying to follow the ideas in there. It's a lot of fun. You pick something, follow the steps, and work to earn a merit badge. I've found myself trying new things, becoming more confident, and even being happier and a little less stressed. Hey, a book can't work miracles. :) I've been trying out crafts and hobbies, learning new things, getting my life organized, even planning for the future.

Once I get my situation settled at home, I'm going to try applying for the Penn Valley nursing program. It's not quite being a doctor, but I could slowly work up from an RN to a nurse practitioner, which is pretty cool, plus it would leave me more time for actually having a life. Dating. Working through the attainment levels in the Sisterhood, possibly trying the seminary program again, taking vacations, seeing places I've wanted to, pursuing hobbies, maybe even having a podling of my own one day. That kind of stuff.

However, in the short term, I did not just get a laptop so I could waste all of my life playing bejewelled online and listening to music, as tempting as that is. I'm also going to try taking one of the fifty million story ideas in my head, complete with really obnoxious demanding muses created just for me, and turn it into a book. Actually try to get published. We'll see how that goes. Wish me luck, I'll need to. I have to fight with my very own defeatist nature. Let's see what happens. If I'm luck my anti-procrastinator will kick in and I'll be doing everything way way way ahead of schedule. If not, well, then it might be awhile.

I'm actually peacefully co-existing with my hair for the time being. It doesn't sound like much, unless you know that I have extremly curly hair that I've been trying to straighten since I was in double digits. I've been leaving it curly, which Angela loves because she can play with it. I've actually been getting compliments sometimes. And I haven't considered cutting it off with a dull knife. Progress. I actually kind of like it sometimes. Plus, it is so much easier to take care of when I don't have to spend forty minutes ironing it whenever I wash it. And don't even get me started on trying to fight with a blowdryer. So not happening.

I can't think of anything else for right now. So, guys, I love you all. I miss you. Talk to me. Write to me. Tell me how you've been, your life story, whatever. Post again soon.

Okay, I know it's been forever, and I missed you guys. I finally got my own laptop. I still have to go to the library to use the internet, but I don't have to wait forever and a day to use the computers. Big step up. So, how has everybody been doing?

Okay, so since the last time that I posted:

1. I went on a date with a girl I met online. Who turned out to be someone I knew from my old high school. Who was incredibly scary and dumped a junkyard's worth of emotional baggage on me, half of which I wasn't sure was even true since it sounded like a cut scene from Boys Don't Cry. Needless to say there was no follow up.

2. In better news, I got a new job. It's not a lot better, but it's some better. I now work in the deli at Red X, for those of you who don't live around here it's a local grocery/everything store. 40 hours a week, fairly steady schedule, and slightly better pay. Definitely a step in the right direction. Plus there's the hottest dyke who works there... She may be taken, but at least I have eye candy on the slow days. :D

3. My sister's computer got fried during a huge thunder storm on Father's day. Huge amount of guilt since I was the one on the computer when the lightning hit. I'm going to try to buy her a new operating system, to hopefully fix all the damage.

4. I miss you guys. I don't have a lot of friends, you guys are mostly what I've got. I miss hearing from you. I know I've been scarce, but I am trying. Love you all.

And that's mostly it in a nutshell.

I didn't get the job. They didn't call like they said they would. I had to call them.

I hate my life.

I might be getting a job! I'm so excited. I went in today for an interview at Menorah medical center in the pharmacy. There are only two other applicants that they're interviewing. Either way, I'll know in about two weeks. I hope I get it. I hope, I hope, I hope. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!

Well, Passover is coming up this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. My moods been improving lately, I think the winter was really getting to me. I don't feel so depressed anymore. So, Passover, looking forward to it, even if it is a lot of work.

Still trying to find a better job. Not happening, but I'm looking.

I've been talking to a girl online. She seems pretty nice, and interested in me, even after having seen a picture. So hopefully things will go well, and I might even get to go on a date. Wouldn't that be exciting. Again, keeping my fingers crossed. It's sad, I was engaged to be married at one point, and I still hadn't gotten to go out on more then maybe one or two dates.

I hope everything is well with all of you. I miss talking to you guys. Take care. I'm thinkging of you. Hugs to all.

Okay, so the nursing thing is not going to work out for me any time soon. I'll need time first to save up money, catch up on my bills, and maybe get some grants and stuff. But hopefully it's something I'll be able to do. Because that would work out really well for me. So wish me luck.

I just applied for a job at QuikTrip. Hopefully I'll hear back from them. Because I cannot keep working maybe 10-20 hours a week and actually pay off my bills, save up money, and move out. Just not happening. So keep your fingers crossed.

Hope everything is good with all of you. I miss you guys. Hugs to you all.

So, I'm off work this week. Apparently my boss didn't feel like giving me any hours since I dared to call in sick last week. Bitch. So I'm focusing my time on a bunch of other things. Like looking at possible jobs, and meeting with a woman tommorow who works for a university specializing in about year long accelerated RN and LPN programs. I'm thinking of giving up the job hunt and going for that. But I'd not only need to get all of my schooling costs covered with financial aid and student loans, but also somehow get about $20,000 extra to live off of as it would be almost impossible to work. The program is Monday thru Friday for 9 hours a day with about 2 hours of homework every night. Fun, huh? But it looks like my best option right now as the job market for people with no degree sucks. Wish me luck.

Still don't have a job. I feel like my head is going to slide apart. I've been sick since about Sunday. And haven't eaten much since then as my stomach keeps rebelling. I miss soda. I tried one sip of soda and my stomach launched a huge rebellion. So no soda for me. :( I'm actually feeling a little bit better, this being relative. It would have helped if when I first got sick and was trying to sleep my dad hadn't been blaring the tv so loud that I couldn't sleep. Oh well. Hopefully the dizziness will go away soon and I can get back to the job hunt idea...

Let's see. Still beating my head against the wall job hunting. And finding nothing. But on the upside I'm getting better at being ignored or rejected. Hmm... Keep your fingers crossed for me guys.

I'm starting to feel better physically. I'm not so sick all the time, which is a good step. I've lost about 75 pounds all totalled. I still have about 50 to go to be at a healthy weight, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm also working on cutting back on caffine and smoking. Eventually I plan to quit alltogether. We'll see how that goes.

I gave up on going to synagogue. It stopped helping. And when membership opens, I think I'm going to apply to the Sisterhood of Avalon again. It was a great group to be a part of, and I quit because the people in my life wanted me to, not because I wanted to. I feel better when I turn to the Goddess, and it actually feels like someone is listening. Thanks for the great advice, Buffy!

I've spent so much time alone or living in fantasy worlds lately, that it's hard to remember that I have people out there who care. But just know that I think about you guys all the time. Love and hugs to you all.

I'm still looking for a new job. Harder now since Sonic gave me no hours for three weeks at the end of December. I've been calling around, going through job papers, looking online. I have a data entry job I need to call back, a meeting to go to tommorow, and a temp agency I need to call back. Just thinking about it is exhausting.

I celebrated my birthday this Saturday. It was nice, quiet, which is a good thing. I'm sick of drama. Happy 25th to me. We had vegetarian bacon cheeseburgers and watched The Mists of Avalon.

On another note, I think I've returned to my old belief system. I'm sick of Judaism making me feel like a victim. Not to mention my whole life seems to be an abomination. Going to synagogue made me feel better at first, but whatever I felt there once is now gone. I feel really lost. Jo, how did you decide what religion was right for you? And why did you decide you needed a change? I am definatly in need of some big sisterly advice.

I'm trying to cut back on smoking, and eventually quit. So I'm developing all sorts of pet projects to keep busy so I won't smoke. I'm going through and analyzing all of my tarot cards, reading tons of books, and possibly writing a book. We'll see how it goes. I'm keeping a to do list, that is constantly full as I catch up on all sorts of things that I've neglected. Like posting on LiveJournal.

I miss talking to all of you, and hope to hear about what's been going on in your lives.

Remember that great job that I was in the running for and jumped through so many hoops for? Yeah, I didn't get it. Apparently the tech who was going to leave decided not to. So after a week of being strung along and told I was the top candidate and that they really liked my resume, I finally got a hold of the guy and got told they didn't have an opening anymore. End of story.

He said if any other openings came up he'd give me a call. Gee, should I really hold my breath?

I recieved a phone call about a week ago from an agency that wanted to give me a job. It's a temp job for a month and then, most likely, a permanant position after that. But first I had to jump through a battery of hoops. The man I was talking to sent me a packet of forms that I needed to fill out and fax back to him. The problem is my dad's fax only does one page at a time and is too old to connect with the temp agency's shiny new ones. So I had to scan each page, attach them one at a time to an e-mail, wait about twenty minutes each page for yahoo to upload, then send them. About 17 pages worth. Plus the one I'm uploading right now. Fun. About six hours worth of it actually.

However, the upside being that I talked to him today, the company liked my resume, they're having one more pharmacist look at it, and then he's going to get back to me tommorrow morning to let me know whether or not I'm getting an interview. Please G-d, let me get this job. I really need on where I'm making real money, not just enough to squeek by on. I have so many back bills that I need to catch up on... I better not dwell, it'll just make my funk worse.

Last two shifts I've had at Sonic sucked in a major way, and have helped throw me back into my major funk. I've just been so depressed lately. I've barely been sleeping and when I do manage to there's always something to wake me up every couple hours. And going to work and getting screamed at by people who don't know how to anger manage just to make minimum wage does not help.

I feel so closed in right now. I miss living in an apartment away from my father, with my own bedroom, where the sound of the tv isn't going almost 24-7. I miss being able to stretch out in bed and read, or spend time online, or do whatever I want for a few hours without having to worry about working around my dad's schedule. Not that I'm not grateful that I have a roof over my head and all, I just get so tired of everything. All the little things. Like being able to make certain recipies that take up room in the fridge that I can't make here because my dad crams the fridge full of whatever giant batch of whatever thing he's eating this week. Or being able to think about going out to a club, and maybe even going home with someone, without him giving me a hard time about every aspect of the thing. Or even being able to make something like tofu without him giving me a hard time about being a vegetarian. Or going to synagogue without him giving me a hard time about being Jewish and all the time I miss from work because of holidays.

And on top of everything else, I'm lonly. Not in the, I need a friend kind of way, but in the I want someone that I can go out with, and talk to, and get close to, date-y kind of way. I want someone in my life. Someone that I can share my thoughts and problems with and not have to worry about whether or not I'm straining the bods of friendship by telling them these things. Someone to wrap their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay, give me a hug, or a kiss, or even just hold my hand. That kind of way. Someone who's going to think that I'm just as beautiful and special as I think they are. The kind of thing that's not going to happen living in the same house as my dad who tells me he's fine with me being gay in one breath and that it's kind of fun to check out girls together, and then jumps my ass for trying to come out to the rest of the family because he thinks it's something that they just don't need to know. It's frustrating and annoying and makes me feel like my head is spinning and there's not enough air in the room, like I can't breathe and my head is throbbing all at the same time.

I want to have enough space to do the things that I want to do, and enough room for my things so I'm not always trying to figure out what clothes/shoes/cds/books/etc are here and which are in storage because my dad crammed yet another thing in the closet that I'm sharing with Angie and left my stuff scattered across the floor.

I don't even know if I'm so much depressed as just endlessly, all consumingly frustrated with where I am right now. I hate living with someone who resents me finding out who I am and trying to be that person. And I'm really really tired. Mentally and physically. From the lack of sleep, and the close quarters, and the constant blaring of sound from the tv that fills the entire house while Angela and I huddle in our shared room trying to talk and pretend that we can't hear every work from the tv, except on the rare occasions that he's out of the house and we can sit in the living room and talk for a few hours until he's back and it all starts over again.

I guess mostly I'm just tired.